i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fill condoms, not promises.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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