Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
