just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
