Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
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We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
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Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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