And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize