he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
