The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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