I want to have your abortion
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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