I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
