I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
