I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
