dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
