Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
