You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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