The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
