new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
