I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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