we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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