She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
