i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible