Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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