I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
