is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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