Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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