All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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