then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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