You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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