Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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