You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
