so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Randomize
