WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
