What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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