I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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