She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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