Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
