Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
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I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
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my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
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