You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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