last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
