Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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