He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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