the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
