phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
