I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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