you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
