I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
