My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
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I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
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The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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