you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Pants are for mortals
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
