he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
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I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
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I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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