We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I checked into jail on foursquare
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I have fence marks all over my body
Randomize
