I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
