His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
