Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
