The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
