i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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