So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
