Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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